In Memory of all those who love their boss !
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again
and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies,
"he died last week."
The next day he calls again
and once more asks to Speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset
and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD
YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND,
YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK!
WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz," he replied laughing,
"I just love hearing it..."
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Obedient Husband
Men on earth die and go to heaven.
God comes and says," I want the men to form two queues
one line for the men who dominated their women,
andthe other one for the men who were dominated
by theirwomen.
Also, I want all the women to go away so
that no man and woman can talk."
Next time God comes back,
the women are gone,
andthere are two lines.
The line for the men who were
dominated by their women
is 100 miles long,
and in theline of men who dominated
their women there is only one man.
God gets mad and says,
"You men should be ashamed ofyourselves.
I created you in my image,
and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons
who stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him!
Tell them, my son,
how did you manage
to be the only one in this line?"
The man replies,
"I don't know,
my wife told me to
stand here."
God comes and says," I want the men to form two queues
one line for the men who dominated their women,
andthe other one for the men who were dominated
by theirwomen.
Also, I want all the women to go away so
that no man and woman can talk."
Next time God comes back,
the women are gone,
andthere are two lines.
The line for the men who were
dominated by their women
is 100 miles long,
and in theline of men who dominated
their women there is only one man.
God gets mad and says,
"You men should be ashamed ofyourselves.
I created you in my image,
and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons
who stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him!
Tell them, my son,
how did you manage
to be the only one in this line?"
The man replies,
"I don't know,
my wife told me to
stand here."
9 months later...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack'sminivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours,
they got caught in terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there
and I have this huge house all to myself,
but I'm recently widowed,
" she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said.
"We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And ifthe weather breaks,
we'll be gone at first light.
" The lady agreed,
andthe two men found their way to the barn
and settled in for the night
Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later,
Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
but he finally determinedthat it was from the attorney
of that attractive widow he had met on
theski weekend nine months earlier.
He dropped in on his friend Bob
and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking
widow from the farm westayed at on our
ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up i
n the middle of the night,
go up to the house
and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said,
a little embarrassed about
being found out.
"Yes, Ihave to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name
instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said,
"Yeah, sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid Idid.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending
would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!
They loaded up Jack'sminivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours,
they got caught in terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there
and I have this huge house all to myself,
but I'm recently widowed,
" she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said.
"We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And ifthe weather breaks,
we'll be gone at first light.
" The lady agreed,
andthe two men found their way to the barn
and settled in for the night
Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later,
Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
but he finally determinedthat it was from the attorney
of that attractive widow he had met on
theski weekend nine months earlier.
He dropped in on his friend Bob
and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking
widow from the farm westayed at on our
ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up i
n the middle of the night,
go up to the house
and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said,
a little embarrassed about
being found out.
"Yes, Ihave to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name
instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said,
"Yeah, sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid Idid.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending
would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!
Working in Hell
Last night as I lay sleeping
I died or so it seemed
Then I went to heaven
But only in my dream Up there
St Peter met me Standing at the pearly gates
He said "I must check your record
Please stand here and wait."
He turned and said
"your record Is covered with terrible flaws
On earth I see you rallied
For every losing cause.
I see that you drank alcohol
And smoked and used drugs too
Fact is you're done everything
A good person should never do.
We can't have people like you up here
Your life was full of sin."
Then he read the last of my record
Took my hand
and said "Come in."
He lead me up to the big boss and said
"Take him in and treat him well.
He used to work in a call centre
He's done his time in hell !!
I died or so it seemed
Then I went to heaven
But only in my dream Up there
St Peter met me Standing at the pearly gates
He said "I must check your record
Please stand here and wait."
He turned and said
"your record Is covered with terrible flaws
On earth I see you rallied
For every losing cause.
I see that you drank alcohol
And smoked and used drugs too
Fact is you're done everything
A good person should never do.
We can't have people like you up here
Your life was full of sin."
Then he read the last of my record
Took my hand
and said "Come in."
He lead me up to the big boss and said
"Take him in and treat him well.
He used to work in a call centre
He's done his time in hell !!
DARES.........LOL
Office Dares
Thing to keep you occupied at the office while you avoid work !
ONE-POINT DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
8. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem - (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say,
"I can't talk about it".
13. Posing as a maitred', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you - here are some examples of insane acts you can use anywhere...
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy,
we are going to have to let one of you go."
3. Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7. Don't use any punctuation
8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area.
Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you
can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream
"I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
Run for your lives, they're loose!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity...
Send this to everyone in your address book,
even if they sent it to you or
have asked you not to send them stuff like this,
I dare you!
Thing to keep you occupied at the office while you avoid work !
ONE-POINT DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed
2. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
8. While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem - (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5. After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say,
"I can't talk about it".
13. Posing as a maitred', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19. Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.
And if that wasn't enough for you - here are some examples of insane acts you can use anywhere...
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy,
we are going to have to let one of you go."
3. Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7. Don't use any punctuation
8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area.
Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you
can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream
"I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
Run for your lives, they're loose!"
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity...
Send this to everyone in your address book,
even if they sent it to you or
have asked you not to send them stuff like this,
I dare you!
Wat my MOM taught me
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you ...
Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
your not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on;
don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."
10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand.
14. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE...
"If you're going to kill each other,
do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
15. My mother taught me RELIGION...
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."
16. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL...
"If you don't do your chores,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
17. My mother taught me REASONING...
"Because I said so, that's why."
18. My mother taught me IRONY..."
Keep laughing and
I'll *give* you something to cry about."
19. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS...
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
20. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM...
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your shirt !"
21. My mother taught me about WEATHER...
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
22. My mother taught me how to solve FRIENDSHIP...
"If your friends jumbed off a bridge, would you do it !?"
23. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION...
"Stop acting like your father!"
24. My mother taught me about ENVY...
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
25. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you....
Then you'll see what it's like."
"Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you ...
Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
your not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on;
don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."
10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand.
14. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE...
"If you're going to kill each other,
do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
15. My mother taught me RELIGION...
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."
16. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL...
"If you don't do your chores,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
17. My mother taught me REASONING...
"Because I said so, that's why."
18. My mother taught me IRONY..."
Keep laughing and
I'll *give* you something to cry about."
19. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS...
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
20. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM...
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your shirt !"
21. My mother taught me about WEATHER...
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
22. My mother taught me how to solve FRIENDSHIP...
"If your friends jumbed off a bridge, would you do it !?"
23. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION...
"Stop acting like your father!"
24. My mother taught me about ENVY...
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
25. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you....
Then you'll see what it's like."
BEAUTIFUL STORY TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE
There was once this guy who is very much in love with his girl.
This romantic guy folded 1,000 pieces of paper cranes
as a gift to his girl. Although, at that time
he was just a small fry in his company,
hisfuture didn't seem too bright,
hey were very happy together.
Untilone day, his girl told him she was going to Paris
and will never comeback.
She also told him that she cannot visualize any future for theboth of them,
so they went their own ways there and then...
Heartbroken, the guy agreed. But when he regained his confidence,
heworked hard day and night, slogging his body and mind
just to make something out of himself.
Finally with all the hard work and the help of friends,
this guy hadset up his own company ..
You never fail until you stop trying.
One rainy day, while this guywas driving,
he saw an elderly couple sharing an umbrella
in the rainwalking to some destination.
Even with the umbrella, they were stilldrenched.
It didn't take him long to realize they were his girl'sparents.
With a heart in getting back at them,
he drove slowly beside thecouple,
wanting them to spot him in his luxury sedan.
He wanted them to know that he wasn't the same any more;
he had his own company, car,condo, etc. He made it!
What he saw next confused him,
the couple waswalking towards a cemetery,
and so he got out of his car andfollowed...
and he saw his girl, a photograph of her smiling sweetly
a sever at him from her tombstone
and he saw his paper cranes rightbeside her...
Her parents saw him. He asked them why this had happened.
Theyexplained, she did not leave for France at all.
She was ill withcancer.
She had believed that he will make it someday,
but she did notwant to be his obstacle...
therefore she had chosen to leave him.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you wa nt them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
She had wantedher parents to put his paper cranes beside her,
because, if the daycomes when fate brings him to her again...
he can take some of thoseback with him...
Once you have loved, you will always love.
For what's in your mind mayescape
but what's in your heart will remain forever.
The guy just wept...
The worst way to miss someone is to be sittingright
beside her knowing you can't have her,
see her or be with herever again.........
hope you understand.
Find time to realize that there is one person who means so much toyou,
for you might wake up one morning losing that person
who youthought meant nothing to you.
This romantic guy folded 1,000 pieces of paper cranes
as a gift to his girl. Although, at that time
he was just a small fry in his company,
hisfuture didn't seem too bright,
hey were very happy together.
Untilone day, his girl told him she was going to Paris
and will never comeback.
She also told him that she cannot visualize any future for theboth of them,
so they went their own ways there and then...
Heartbroken, the guy agreed. But when he regained his confidence,
heworked hard day and night, slogging his body and mind
just to make something out of himself.
Finally with all the hard work and the help of friends,
this guy hadset up his own company ..
You never fail until you stop trying.
One rainy day, while this guywas driving,
he saw an elderly couple sharing an umbrella
in the rainwalking to some destination.
Even with the umbrella, they were stilldrenched.
It didn't take him long to realize they were his girl'sparents.
With a heart in getting back at them,
he drove slowly beside thecouple,
wanting them to spot him in his luxury sedan.
He wanted them to know that he wasn't the same any more;
he had his own company, car,condo, etc. He made it!
What he saw next confused him,
the couple waswalking towards a cemetery,
and so he got out of his car andfollowed...
and he saw his girl, a photograph of her smiling sweetly
a sever at him from her tombstone
and he saw his paper cranes rightbeside her...
Her parents saw him. He asked them why this had happened.
Theyexplained, she did not leave for France at all.
She was ill withcancer.
She had believed that he will make it someday,
but she did notwant to be his obstacle...
therefore she had chosen to leave him.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you wa nt them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
She had wantedher parents to put his paper cranes beside her,
because, if the daycomes when fate brings him to her again...
he can take some of thoseback with him...
Once you have loved, you will always love.
For what's in your mind mayescape
but what's in your heart will remain forever.
The guy just wept...
The worst way to miss someone is to be sittingright
beside her knowing you can't have her,
see her or be with herever again.........
hope you understand.
Find time to realize that there is one person who means so much toyou,
for you might wake up one morning losing that person
who youthought meant nothing to you.
Gud one...
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of them saythe following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."
I BET YOU GONNA READ THIS AGAIN!!!!!
but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of them saythe following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."
I BET YOU GONNA READ THIS AGAIN!!!!!
Great Answering Machine Messages ..............
These are supposedly actual answering machine announcements.
1. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.
If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding,
windows or a hot tub,and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office
and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone,
think about your name, your number
and your reason for calling, and
I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
1. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.
If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
8. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding,
windows or a hot tub,and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office
and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone,
think about your name, your number
and your reason for calling, and
I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Woman : A Home Maker !!
A father came home and found
his three children were outside,
still in their pajamas, playing in the mud,
with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn
all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open,
as was thefront door to the house and
there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry,
he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over,
and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon ,
and the family roomwas strewn
with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink,
breakfast food was spilled on thecounter,
the fridge door was open wide,
dog food was spilled on the floor,
a broken glass lay under the table,
and a small pile of sand was spread by
theback door.
He quickly headed up the stairs,
stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she may be ill, or that
something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickleof water as
it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside hefound wet
towels, scummy soap
and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap
and toothpaste had beensmeared
over themirrorand walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom,
he found his wife still
curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled,
and asked how his day went. He
looked at herbewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day
when you comehome from
work and you ask me
what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today Ididn't do it."
his three children were outside,
still in their pajamas, playing in the mud,
with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn
all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open,
as was thefront door to the house and
there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry,
he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over,
and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon ,
and the family roomwas strewn
with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink,
breakfast food was spilled on thecounter,
the fridge door was open wide,
dog food was spilled on the floor,
a broken glass lay under the table,
and a small pile of sand was spread by
theback door.
He quickly headed up the stairs,
stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she may be ill, or that
something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickleof water as
it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside hefound wet
towels, scummy soap
and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap
and toothpaste had beensmeared
over themirrorand walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom,
he found his wife still
curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled,
and asked how his day went. He
looked at herbewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day
when you comehome from
work and you ask me
what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today Ididn't do it."
The Doctor !
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better," the old man replied.
"I'vegot an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant
& delivered a child.
What is your opinion about that,Doc?"
the old man asked.
The doctor thought for a moment,then said,
"Well, letme tell you a story.
I know a guy who is an hunter.
Henever misses a season for hunting.
But,one day he's ina bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his
umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So
he's walking in the woods near a creek,and suddenly he
spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises
up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes
the handle.
BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief.
Someone else must have shot that lion."
"Exactly"... Said the Doc.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better," the old man replied.
"I'vegot an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant
& delivered a child.
What is your opinion about that,Doc?"
the old man asked.
The doctor thought for a moment,then said,
"Well, letme tell you a story.
I know a guy who is an hunter.
Henever misses a season for hunting.
But,one day he's ina bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his
umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So
he's walking in the woods near a creek,and suddenly he
spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises
up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes
the handle.
BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief.
Someone else must have shot that lion."
"Exactly"... Said the Doc.
Ten Best Things to Say if you Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent to me ."
8. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
7. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.(Then raising your voice....) Are you discriminatory toward
people who practice Yoga?!"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"
1. [Raise head slowly and say], "...In Jesus' name, Amen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent to me ."
8. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
7. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.(Then raising your voice....) Are you discriminatory toward
people who practice Yoga?!"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?"
1. [Raise head slowly and say], "...In Jesus' name, Amen."
Doctor's Receptionist * Gud one *
Hi, Check this out..
I laughed out so load at this one .....
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office
why you are there and you say in front of others
what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients
I know most of us have experienced this,
and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room.
As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said,
"Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said,
"You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room
and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is
something wrong with your ear
or something and then discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,
if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes
and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter...
I laughed out so load at this one .....
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office
why you are there and you say in front of others
what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients
I know most of us have experienced this,
and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room.
As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said,
"Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said,
"You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room
and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is
something wrong with your ear
or something and then discussed the problem further
with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,
if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes
and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter...
No risk, No reward !
Take a good look at what's left of your life and
decide to make it count.
Life's saddest words are found on a tombstone that reads:
"When it came time to die, I had not lived."
It's frightening to take risks and try new things.
We think, " What if Ifail?" What if you do?
It won't be your first mistake.
And no matter howbad it is it probably won't be your worst mistake.
And unless you fail at something really spectacular l
like attempting to climb Mount Everest or
swim the English Channel, it probably won't be your last mistake. One
thing you can count on, whichever way it goes you'll grow in wisdom,
experience and character. In other words,
you'll become wiser for just having tried.
Rick Warren writes: "I could have taken a hundred gift and
ability tests as a young man and
would never have discovered that I was gifted at teaching,
because I had never done it! It was only after
I began accepting opportunities to speak that I saw the results,
received confirmation from others and realized God has gifted me to do this."
Unless you're willing to risk getting involved you're not going to know
what you're good at. The road to success is never mistake-free. But
then, neither is the road to failure. So the choice is yours. That's why
Paul writes, "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you
have been given, and then sink yourself into that" ( Galatians 6:4 TM).
No risk, no reward!
decide to make it count.
Life's saddest words are found on a tombstone that reads:
"When it came time to die, I had not lived."
It's frightening to take risks and try new things.
We think, " What if Ifail?" What if you do?
It won't be your first mistake.
And no matter howbad it is it probably won't be your worst mistake.
And unless you fail at something really spectacular l
like attempting to climb Mount Everest or
swim the English Channel, it probably won't be your last mistake. One
thing you can count on, whichever way it goes you'll grow in wisdom,
experience and character. In other words,
you'll become wiser for just having tried.
Rick Warren writes: "I could have taken a hundred gift and
ability tests as a young man and
would never have discovered that I was gifted at teaching,
because I had never done it! It was only after
I began accepting opportunities to speak that I saw the results,
received confirmation from others and realized God has gifted me to do this."
Unless you're willing to risk getting involved you're not going to know
what you're good at. The road to success is never mistake-free. But
then, neither is the road to failure. So the choice is yours. That's why
Paul writes, "Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you
have been given, and then sink yourself into that" ( Galatians 6:4 TM).
No risk, no reward!
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Lord also knows
A man, walking along a California beach, was deep in prayer. Suddenly,
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish".
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want".
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific ! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for wordly things. Take a little more
time and think of something that would honour and glorify me".
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish I
could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she
means when she says 'nothing's wrong' and
how can I make a woman truly happy".
The Lord said, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge ?"
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish".
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want".
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to
reach the bottom of the Pacific ! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for wordly things. Take a little more
time and think of something that would honour and glorify me".
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish I
could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she
means when she says 'nothing's wrong' and
how can I make a woman truly happy".
The Lord said, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge ?"
Nice Conversation :
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
"HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.
"WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?
"HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again.
"WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?
"HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.
"WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?
"HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?
"WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?
"HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new.
"WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?
"HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do.
"WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?
"HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed.
"WIFE: - - - - silence - - -
- HUSBAND: "Sh*t
"HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.
"WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?
"HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again.
"WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?
"HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.
"WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?
"HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?
"WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?
"HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new.
"WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?
"HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do.
"WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?
"HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed.
"WIFE: - - - - silence - - -
- HUSBAND: "Sh*t
Perspective
Different perspective:
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip,
the father asked his son,
"How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see ho w poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:
a.. " saw that we have one dog and they had four.
b.. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have creek that has no end .
c.. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
d.. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon .
e.. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight .
f.. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others .
g.. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
h.. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them ."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing?
Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip,
the father asked his son,
"How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see ho w poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:
a.. " saw that we have one dog and they had four.
b.. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have creek that has no end .
c.. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
d.. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon .
e.. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight .
f.. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others .
g.. We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
h.. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them ."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing?
Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Her Diary Vs His Diary :-)
HER DIARY
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset
at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him,
he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know
why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront
him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today India lost. DAMN IT.....
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset
at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him,
he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know
why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront
him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today India lost. DAMN IT.....
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